Slags v Vages 2009 report

VAGES pull it out of the bag and surge to maiden Shaun Ridder victory A superb performance by the VAGES, led by their captain El Julio Canoflagers, ensured that the Shaun Ridder trophy will stay in Essex this year. Despite some awesome battling from the SLAGS senior professionals they couldn't halt the juggernaut of the VAGES as it lumbered to victory.

Potty mouths

Julio set the standard, teeing off first against Jonhard Wanger. Jonhard hit a majestic top for his first shot, something that was to set a standard for the remaining SLAGS competitors. As Jonhard and Julio disappeared up the first, their cries of 'wanker', 'shit', 'cock' and 'bollocks' echoed poetically back to the remaining contenders awaiting their fate.

Pie-men dazzle the crowds

Wee man Dork and the Rippopotamus were next to tee off. It was an unremarkable event and both giants of the game headed out to do golf-battle in high spirits and full of pies.

So it was that Olloir Ballesteroids and Craigo El Scouse prepared to join battle. With some heartfelt wishes of good luck and genial banter the gallant golfing gladiators set off. Olloir topped his first drive and Craigo sliced his many yards off the fairway. And so it was that the gauntlet was thrown down, the elite sportsmen made their way around the testing Blakes course.

The green keepers from Augusta had seemingly been out that morning preparing some demon putting surfaces. The merest touch and the ball was rolling like a mofo. But the greens were in fantastic condition and the wankstick brandishing superstars took advantage of the true and even roll that they are so unaccustomed to. Some closely fought golfing followed over the next 4 hours or so.

Tasting the Brasso

As the elite sportsmen approached the 18th it became clear that the VAGES had secured a sizable margin of victory. Despite Paulo manfully not losing the final match, the VAGES won the previous two matches by 6 points and 7 points.

Delightful skills

One awesome positive to come out of the event was the fantastic double skills prize win by Olloir. A closest to the pin (onto an island green) that was a genuinely good effort (6-8 foot away) made up for a winning long-drive of no more than 190 yards. Possibly the shortest ever longest drive, but the big hitters failed to find the fairway, which to be fair was only around 7 yards wide.

In keeping with the fine traditions of SLAGS and VAGES (wot tradition have they got then?) golf, there followed some relaxation and beer intake. There were rumours that the pipe of peace was partaken of, and all headed home to reflect on what a fine afternoon of golf it might have been, if only some other players had been taking part.

It's all set up for 2010 and the return of El Presidente!